VPCC • Abuse - What is it?

ABUSE - WHAT IS IT?

Abuse is an attempt to control the behaviour of another person. It is a misuse of power which uses the bonds of intimacy, trust and dependency to make the victim vulnerable.

Table of Contents:

Characteristics of Abusive Men
The Types of Control / Abuse
The Cycle of Control / Abuse
How to Tell if You or Someone You Know is a Victim of Control / Abuse
The Cycle of Control / Abuse / Violence

Characteristics of Abusive Men

Control		The "overarching behavioural characteristic" achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel). May deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school).

Entitlement		The "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and justify violence as self-defence.

Selfishness & Self-centredness		An expectation of being the centre of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others.

Superiority		Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper.

Possessiveness		Seeing a woman and his children as property.

Confusing Love & Abuse		Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love.
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Manipulativeness		A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive.

Contradictory Statements & Behaviours		Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women.

Externalization of Responsibility		Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress.

Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming		Refusing to acknowledge abusive behaviour (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behaviour and its effects (e.g., it's just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it; she made it up because I have a new girlfriend).

Serial Battering		Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship.

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The Types of Control / Abuse include…

Physical:
hitting, punching, beating, slapping, pulling hair, use of weapons, mutilation, burning, biting, murder

Sexual:
any forced sexual contact ranging from unwanted touching to rape, harassment

Verbal:
threats, insults, name-calling, unjust blaming and accusing, swearing, shouting

Psychological/Emotional:
withholding love, sympathy or understanding, inadequate physical or emotional care, isolation, intimidation, extreme jealousy, destroying property, threatening to commit suicide

Financial:
stealing, withholding money and/or denying access to employment opportunities, preventing access to household financial information

Spiritual:
belittling a person’s spiritual beliefs or preventing them from attending the church, synagogue or temple of their choice

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The United Nations (Commission on the Status of Women, 1993) defines violence against women as:
"…any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty whether occurring in public or private life."

One out of every four Canadian women will suffer some type of abuse during her lifetime and every year, one in 10 Canadian women is physically battered by her partner. Domestic violence and abuse occurs in all socio-economic groups and cultural/religious backgrounds and it affects women of all ages.

Domestic assault is a crime.

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The Cycle of Abuse / Control

Domestic violence (also called wife abuse, family violence and partner assault) is rarely a one-time occurrence. It usually takes place as part of a cycle that includes the following phases…

Tension-building stage:
Insults and other verbal attacks; minor abusive situations; victim tries to be compliant, "walks on eggshells," and feels helpless; atmosphere becomes increasingly more oppressive.

Violent episode:
Built-up tensions erupt into incidents ranging from severe verbal/emotional abuse to physical/sexual assault and can last from a few minutes to a few days, depending on the relationship. It is during this time that a woman is most likely to be seriously injured or killed by her partner.

Honeymoon stage:
Following a violent episode the abuser is usually contrite and attentive; the victim once again recognizes the person she first fell in love with and may be inclined to believe his promises to change.

Unless there is some form of intervention, the cycle usually repeats itself with the violent episodes escalating in frequency and intensity.

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Are You – or is Someone you Know – a Victim of Control / Abuse?

• In your relationship, have you ever experienced verbal abuse, including put-downs or threats?
Yes No

• Have you suffered physical violence such as hitting, pushing, pulling hair, forced sexual contact?
Yes No

• Has your partner threatened to leave if you don’t do as he asks?
Yes No

• Does your partner try to isolate you from family and friends?
Yes No

• Is your partner bossy; does he try to control who you see and what you do?
Yes No

• Does your partner use guilt trips to get his own way?
Yes No

• Do you have to explain your whereabouts?
Yes No

• Does your partner have a bad temper and a history of violence? Does he brag about mistreating others?
Yes No

• Does your partner blame you when he treats you badly?
Yes No

• Does your partner have a history of bad relationships?
Yes No

• Does he believe that men should be in control of his partner and family?
Yes No

• Does your partner treat you "like dirt" or humiliate you in front of friends and family?
Yes No

• Are you afraid of your partner? Do you worry about how he will react to what you say or do?
Yes No

• Does he abuse alcohol or drugs?
Yes No

• Have your friends or family warned you about him or told you they were worried about your safety?
Yes No

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, your relationship may be abusive. Don’t ignore or minimize these warning signs. Get help.

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Cycle of Control / Violence

Abuse Takes Place

Any type of abuse occurs (physical, sexual, emotional, verbal)

Tension Builds

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Apologies, Excuses, Amends

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the Apologies, Excuses, and Amends stages disappear.

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